unrest
I have yet to really use this to post my thoughts. Mostly, because i feel pressured to post creative outputs of my life on here by an unnamed few, but today i have an unrest inside me that i feel like i should at least begin to type out. So, i apologize if this appears to be a public emotionally drunk text, but this is what is up with me.
A few weeks ago God decided to answer a number of longstanding prayers that I’ve had over the course of my college career as a student and a believer. Within a week’s time I had found a mentor/discipler, received an internship at an architecture firm that I’d really wanted, found a freelance job and received a call that I am a potential bone marrow match for a 33-year-old man somewhere. My carefree 9 unit semester came to a screeching halt affront a brick wall that read, “The Real World, Long Beach.”
I became extremely overwhelmed. How could all of this happen at once? Why haven’t I been afforded any of these with adequate time to process and adapt in between. Humbled by His grace and provision, I spent everyday meditating over the reception of these gifts until something dawned on me. God doesn’t just decide to do anything. When I sometimes “half-heartedly” encourage someone with “oh it’s in His plan” I feel like I speak more out of my own uncertainty than out of confidence of His certainty. But, lately I feel like He’s been putting it on my heart that He didn’t just decide to throw this all at me at once. He didn’t forget all of these things in the back of his car and resorted to dropping them off in one go, but has knowingly, purposefully given me these opportunities knowing what is to come of them. I am excited, but anxious. The real world is sooo close… frighteningly close. I’m starting to really feel the effects of not being in school, seeing as when I’m in school i’m there and then rushing to work.. or there at night and looking forward to bed.
Those of you who have gotten to know me beyond Monopoly Deal or /ninjadrops might know that I have had issues with relationships. friendships and otherwise. I’m kind’ve a drifter.. I have a history of crossing paths and growing close to so many people over and over, but rarely feel connected into a friendship or circle of friends that I can turn to without question or fear of judgement or burden. I think acknowledging that this is a byproduct of being a social extrovert helps me to realize that everything in life has its ups and downs, but it doesn’t make God’s love any less real.
Anyway, today has been a unnecessarily long day. I slept through my first class this morning. I could blame Daylight Saving but it was more my choice to drink coffee after service last night that’s to blame. I felt unnecessarily lonely and lost throughout today. So I guess updates aside this is a public prayer request, even if just for tonight.
God, i’m sorry that I’ve forgotten to look to you, even though you’ve proven so undeservingly close to me lately. Thank you for loving me and blessing me time and time again. Help me trust in your plans and depend on your strength and wisdom apart from my own. I want to finish strong the paths that you’ve placed before me and be a fragrance of your love in this world.
Friends, I know that I haven’t been around much and am horrible at keeping in touch, but I do care to be more than just a drifter to you if you’d like me to be.
cwtch ^^v
Christian
